5 Drinkers You Meet on Spring Break

I am writing this in the wake of my first experience of Spring Break in the drinking paradise that is Panama City Beach, FL. Rather than give a recap of my personal experience that will more than likely hinder my ability to ever receive employment again, I decided to make yet another list. I realize that this blog is slowly becoming a series of rambling, yet delightfully humorous lists, but whatever it’s my blog and you can’t tell me what to do with it. Maybe I’ll just get a job at Buzzfeed or something.  

I encountered a bevy of different alcohol imbibers during my week-long escapade and decided I should classify them. For those of you who are not familiar with Panama City, it is a small city on the Florida panhandle that is sometimes referred to as the “Spring Break Capital of the World”. It is not your typical vacation town where you just lay on the beach, shop the boutiques, have some ice cream and maybe drink a Mai Tai or a Margarita. It is lined with bars with names like Harpoon Harry’s and Hammerhead Fred’s whose sole purpose is to get you as inebriated as possible. In addition, the beaches are filled by noon with large groups of scantily-clad college students from all over the country drinking liquor out of big water jugs and beer out of beer bongs. In other words, it’s anarchy, and there are a few different types of people one encounters in this lawless land, and I am, of course, here to describe them to you in detail.

1. The “Woo Girl”

This girl came down for one reason and one reason only: to take as many shots as possible and yell “WOOOO PANAMA CITY” while dancing to songs like “Timber” by Ke$ha and Pit Bull or “Turn Down for What?” by DJ Snake and Lil’ Jon. Once sufficiently inebriated (by about 1pm on most days) she will start stumbling around and talking to random guys walking on the beach and even the beach cops, while her poor boyfriend or friends from home try hopelessly to corral her. She inevitably ends up sleeping on the couch in her hotel by mid-afternoon and missing most of the fun but will put it off by saying “sorry I go hard” or something similar to that. There’s also a 75% chance she gets a tattoo that she regrets as soon as she leaves the Florida border.

Woo Girl Anthem.

2. The Wet Blanket

This person is a direct opposite of the Woo Girl and can be in male or female form. This person had no idea what Panama City was like before arriving and just came to get a tan and maybe get a little crazy on one or two nights. They had a whole agenda planned out: maybe rent a scooter and go mini-golfing, but mostly just lounge by the pool and just chill out. By day 3 they are miserable and want to go home because they are tired of taking care of their drunk friends and keeps insisting that they do “something else fun”. It’s okay, this person probably only came because they offered to pay more or their parents are allowing them to use their car. The wet blanket ends up getting home after the trip and finding new friends. 

This is how Wet Blanket pictured Spring Break.

3. The Push the Limits Guy

This man is what young men often call a “hardo”. He follows the lyrics of Kendrick Lamar’s hit single, “Swimming Pools”. (“Pour up, Drank. Head shot, Drank. Sit down, Drank. Stand up, Drank. Pass out, Drank. Wake up, Drank. Faded, Drank. Faded, Drank”). He wants to drink as much as he can and then brag about it to everyone around him. He is most likely found holding a bacteria-filled beer funnel, a case of Natty Lite and a handle of liquor and is hitting both very hard at an ungodly early hour. However, unlike the woo girl, he is of large physical stature and will literally drink until his body completely rejects any alcoholic substance that tries to enter it. He will then proceed to force it down his throat until he is laying passed out in the sand with handle still in hand. 

4. The Meathead Douche

This man-child is similar to the Push the Limits Guy only he does not actually drink very much and devotes much more time to hitting on girls and showing off his top-heavy physique. He still could be wielding a funnel but uses it mostly to find woo girls and get them to drink out of them and talk to him. He also has an inspirational quote tattooed somewhere on his body and is wearing a jersey or shirt from his high school sports team. He also insists on yelling out his college team cheer/fight song such as “Boomer Sooner” or “Pig Sooie”. Seriously though, this guy is horrible and probably has no friends in real life. He may or may not have come down by himself.

5. The Wanderer

The Wanderer is a mysterious fellow/gal. One minute they are enjoying drinks at the bar or dancing the night away and the next minute they vanish for reasons unknown. Maybe they are following someone from the opposite sex, or saw someone with food and immediately sprinted toward the nearest restaurant. Or maybe they saw a seagull and chased after it. Who knows? The point is, this person has no regard for their friends or what they might think if they leave their immediate area. They also often employ one of my all-time favorite moves, “The Irish Goodbye”. 

I know there are probably many more specific types but I think they all basically fit into one of these five categories. And everyone has been complaining about the length of my blogs. Plus I am still recovering from the past week so I don’t feel like writing anymore.  I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face: I’m the blogger of the people. 

 

 

Have a Ball During a Crawl

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending an organized St. Patty’s Day bar crawl in the area known as Fed Hill in Baltimore, and as a result I decided to blog about bar crawls at the request of a loyal reader. I am, after all, the self-proclaimed “people’s blogger” and truly respect my readers’ opinions. I mean, you were smart enough to follow this blog right? At least you’re doing one thing right with your life.

Anyway, I have attended a handful of these bar crawls and they seem to be all the rage with the young folk these days in places like Fed Hill, Baltimore and DuPont Circle, DC. Basically, for those of you reading from under your rock, these crawls involve a dozen or so bars in an area joining together to offer drink specials  to people with a ticket to the event, usually awarding them with a wristband or souvenir mug that they will inevitably lose. Sounds fun, right? You’re damn right it is, if you follow a few tried and true rules from yours truly. I won’t say if I have made any or all of these mistakes before, but let’s just say a “friend of mine” may have ended up taking a little snooze on the Metro last time and somehow woke up at the Greenbelt station. How “my friend” got home with all his possessions is beyond me. He is a lucky, lucky man. Without further ado, here is a mini-survival guide to reference so you do not end up in a drunken stupor that would make Randy Travis cringe. 

Randy Travis looking a little rough. Could his bender have started with a bar crawl? Who knows…

1. Hit the ATM machine. Even though these crawls are normally sponsored and offer reasonable drink specials, e.g. $2 drafts or $3 rails, you better believe you are gonna pay a pretty penny at these things. Taking out 50 or 60 doll-hairs before you start drinking at least gives you some idea of how much dough you are burning, and you won’t wake up the next morning screaming at your bank statement and taking out another mortgage on your non-existent house.

2. Sticking with the economic theme (some call me Bernanke Jr., is that a compliment…?), i suggest you stick to the specials for as long as possible. I know every fiber of your being wants to order a round of shots for you and your boys, girls, or just some random people you just met, but that is how you get royally screwed and end up calling Grandma for your birthday money six months early. These events would rather not have people being carried out on gurneys, so chances are there will not be a special for $2 shots. So for both your wallet and liver’s sake, stick to the beers and rails.

If you just so happen to be this guy, you can ignore rules 1 and 2.

3. If you pregame, tread lightly. Who am I kidding? Of course you are going to pregame. As I alluded to in my previous masterpiece, we 20-somethings pregame everything. Just keep in mind that these events usually last all day, and you don’t want to be the person who ends up way too inebriated at the first bar an hour in. Have a beer or two, eat a sandwich and save the real drinking for the crawl.

4. Plan your transportation ahead of time. Jeez I sound like my mother. Whether it be via Metro, cab, Uber, a sober friend, a hot air balloon, or a camel, just make sure you have an exit strategy. It is inevitable that you will be separated from your original crew at some point. Charge your phone and plan an emergency meeting place just like your mommy used to do if you got lost at the playground or a stranger tried to talk to you. This is yet another reason to take out cash, because most taxis are stuck in the 1990s  and do not use credit card swipers yet.

Don’t end up stranded in the big city like this little fella.

5. Other than transportation, there is no point in planning any other details out. There is always one Leslie Knope-esque bureaucrat in the group that tries to plan which bars the group will end up in. This is a fruitless endeavor. Chances are each person will have a couple drinks and immediately acquire their own agenda, perhaps running into an old pal or chasing some girl/guy to another bar. Plus, there is always at least one lame bar on the crawl that no one is digging and a couple bars that are more crowded than a Japanese subway car.

Alright I think I have covered all the bases here. If any readers ever find themselves stranded, broke, incarcerated, or absurdly intoxicated at one of these events, don’t say you were not warned. Just remember what Walter White said:

A Little Booze and You Never Lose

If any of you readers ventured off the beaten path into my “About the Blogger” tab, you will find that I attend the University of Maryland and am a pretty passionate sports fan. Therefore, it is only right for you to assume that I am in support of consuming alcohol at sporting events; not only because I write a blog about alcohol, but also because Maryland sports are currently so god-awful that one can only tolerate them with a good amount of libations.

Last week, the University announced that the Senate Executive Committee will hear a proposal on serving alcohol at athletic events. For the sake of stating the obvious, I, along with the rest of the local  population of Terp fans, was thrilled at the news. There is nothing like a cold beer or two during professional sporting events, so now the fact that I could potentially do this while watching the Terps in Byrd Stadium or the Comcast Center overwhelmed me with joy.

Alcohol served at Terps’ games? Gary likes that idea.

Being the complex, edgy writer that I am, I am not going to sit here and voice my support for this a million times over because what am I, crazy? Of course I support it. You, as a reader of my previous 2 blogs, should know this.  But there was a quote in the Diamondback article from the Student Government Association Student Affairs Vice President (what a mouthful) which made me chuckle heartily. He says that “it will allow for a safer environment for students” and, in essence, make them no longer feel the need to buy alcohol and get dangerously drunk prior to the games. This is such a laughable concept to me, and I can only see two explanations to this student representative’s reasoning:

1. He is a disconnected and clueless individual on this campus who actually thinks that students of our generation will not “pregame” something. It’s what 20-somethings do. We do not dare show up to anything, save for a job interview or midterm exam, without at least a beer or two in us. That’s just the cold hard facts. We feel the need to at least have something in our system before going out to a social function. It is ingrained in our constitutions. Just because there is an option to drink at the games as well does not mean students won’t still drink beforehand. Something about having the proverbial cake and eating it too just really gets us millenials going.

The Mecca of College Park: RJ Bentley’s Filling Station. Just Because.

2. He is a diabolical genius. This kid knows how to woo the guys upstairs. More alcohol=more revenue and we all know the Maryland Administration is all about the greenbacks these days. Plus, he knows that he and his bros want to drink during the games to keep their buzz on and make Maryland Athletics bearable. If this is somehow the explanation, then this is borderline Frank Underwood-esque and I respect it.

This brings me to my side point, which is how this reflects on the poor state of Maryland Athletics. And by Maryland Athletics, I mean the two sports that everyone cares about and pays money to see: Football and Basketball. The fact that attendance is poor and revenue is suffering reflects poorly not on the loyalty of the student body, who is already suffering through a painful move to the Big Ten next year, but the product on the field and court. I am not going to rant about the teams’ performance; I’ll leave that to my blogger friend John (shameless plug). I guess there is a possible silver lining to the suffering I have endured in the past few years, and it’s in the form of alcoholic beverages.

I know FSU won it all, but how embarrassing was this?