This blog is satirical and is based very loosely on a few known facts. While it may sound like him, this was not written by Randy Travis, country legend.
Howdy boys and girls, country legend Randy Travis here. For those of you may not have the pleasure of knowin’ me, I am the proud owner of 16 #1 Billboard country hits since 1985 and perhaps the greatest voice in country music. Some of my hits include “Deeper than the Holler” and Forever and Ever, Amen”. I have sung my way into the hearts of millions and my deep, southern drawl is known all across this wonderful land. Here is a sample of my work:
By chance, you also may know me as the guy in 2012 who was found naked and intoxicated along a Grayson County, TX highway after crashing my ’98 Pontiac Trans Am. Boy was that some night. Anyway, since I’m writing on some sort of drinking blog, I’m gonna tell you the story about how that night ended up the way it did. Disclaimer: I drank a lot. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, ’cause it was quite a bender.
I woke up in a motel room on the morning of August 7, 2012 in Dallas, Texas. I had been visiting a lady friend of mine and, long story short, she told me to kick rocks. Called me a “crazy old coot whose country charms ain’t workin’ no more.” Seems like showing up hammered to her son’s fifth birthday party after not seeing her for 3 months wasn’t my best move. So that night I stumbled back into this grungy motel room outside Dallas and as soon as I woke up, I was in a drinkin’ mood.
At about 9 a.m I called up an old buddy who lives in Fort Worth and told him to meet me at a honky tonk down the road that I had been to a good long time ago back when I was a touring regular. He was an old roadie from the 80’s who now lived in a double-wide trailer, a real stand-up citizen. So of course he was down to drink at 9:30 in the mornin’. We were knockin back Budweisers like it was goin’ out of style and hustlin’ pool games just for fun.
By noon we had graduated to shots of hard liquor: Bourbon, mostly. I started serenading a woman in a Dale Earnhardt T-shirt while my buddy announced to the whole bar that I was there. The 5 degenerates in the bar at the time all begged me to sing, so I did a rousing rendition of “Deeper than the Holler”, finishing by planting a big old fat kiss on the overweight NASCAR lady.
Eventually time started to get a bit fuzzy, but a man who claimed to be NASCAR lady’s husband walked in and told me he was gonna beat my keester from here to Amarillo. So me and Buddy (my buddy’s name is Buddy) dashed off in my Trans Am after jacking a couple bottles of Jim Beam from behind the bar. I’d guess it was about 3pm at this point, and I’m so drunk I ran over a couple of Harley Davidsons on my way out.
So Buddy and I decided we would go down to the track and bet on a few horses. It was a thing we used to do before shows back in the day. I placed a $1,000 bet on a 50-1 apparently and wouldn’t you know it- I won. Guess with a little bad luck comes a little good. That money wouldn’t last too long, though. We were still taking pulls of the bourbon and all the while yelling inappropriate comments at the jockeys and horses. Then, for some damn reason, Buddy ran like a bat outta hell right onto the track chasin’ after a horse. By now the security had been on us and they came after me too for bein’ drunk as a skunk. So I darted outta there and hopped in my Trans Am, leaving Buddy to be apprehended. Whatever, I didn’t even know if his real name was Buddy anyway.
When I got to the parking lot, who was there but the NASCAR lady’s redneck husband. He got a good lick on me with a baseball bat but I avoided him and hopped into the old Trans Am. So I was off again, swerving with a half-drunk bottle of Jim Beam in my console when I tried to light up a cigarette. Unfortunately, my butane lighter was faulty and before you knew it, my clothes were on fire. So I did what my daddy had told me and stopped the car and stopped, dropped, and rolled. By the time the fire was out my clothes were ashes and I was stark naked right there on the highway! Hell, i didn’t care; I was piss-drunk headed God knows where. I hopped back in the car.
Since my cigarettes had burned up in my pocket, I decided to stop at the Exxon Tiger Mart to pick up some smokes. However, in my drunken state, I had forgotten 2 things: First, I was completely naked. Second, since I had no pants, I had no wallet, and thus no money. So I was stuck in a Tiger Mart buck naked askin’ for smokes with no money. Holding a fifth of Jim Beam. As soon as the clerk reached under the counter I knew I was in trouble and darted outta there faster than I did from the race track. But not without grabbing a bag of pork rinds first.
It was getting dark now and I’m trying to get out of the Lone Star State. Unfortunately, I’m at about a .30 BAC and can’t even see straight. I’m not sure what happened, but I think I saw some sort of large animal in the road, swerved off and drove right into a construction site. My poor Trans Am, my baby, was ruined, and i was left naked and alone on the side of the highway. When the Texas Highway Patrol came and picked me up, they made a big fuss about me makin’ threats on their lives and what not. How am I at fault for that? I was drunker than a mug! Speaking of mugs, after they finally corralled me and slapped me with a DUI, here’s the mugshot they got (see where he got me with the Louisville Slugger?):
So boys and girls, I hope y’all learned somethin’ today. No matter how famous you are, no matter how many people you think you can charm, if you wind up butt naked and drunker than hell, ain’t no one gonna care. Oh and don’t ever go to Grayson County, Texas. Peace and love, y’all.