5 Drinkers You Meet on Spring Break

I am writing this in the wake of my first experience of Spring Break in the drinking paradise that is Panama City Beach, FL. Rather than give a recap of my personal experience that will more than likely hinder my ability to ever receive employment again, I decided to make yet another list. I realize that this blog is slowly becoming a series of rambling, yet delightfully humorous lists, but whatever it’s my blog and you can’t tell me what to do with it. Maybe I’ll just get a job at Buzzfeed or something.  

I encountered a bevy of different alcohol imbibers during my week-long escapade and decided I should classify them. For those of you who are not familiar with Panama City, it is a small city on the Florida panhandle that is sometimes referred to as the “Spring Break Capital of the World”. It is not your typical vacation town where you just lay on the beach, shop the boutiques, have some ice cream and maybe drink a Mai Tai or a Margarita. It is lined with bars with names like Harpoon Harry’s and Hammerhead Fred’s whose sole purpose is to get you as inebriated as possible. In addition, the beaches are filled by noon with large groups of scantily-clad college students from all over the country drinking liquor out of big water jugs and beer out of beer bongs. In other words, it’s anarchy, and there are a few different types of people one encounters in this lawless land, and I am, of course, here to describe them to you in detail.

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1. The “Woo Girl”

This girl came down for one reason and one reason only: to take as many shots as possible and yell “WOOOO PANAMA CITY” while dancing to songs like “Timber” by Ke$ha and Pit Bull or “Turn Down for What?” by DJ Snake and Lil’ Jon. Once sufficiently inebriated (by about 1pm on most days) she will start stumbling around and talking to random guys walking on the beach and even the beach cops, while her poor boyfriend or friends from home try hopelessly to corral her. She inevitably ends up sleeping on the couch in her hotel by mid-afternoon and missing most of the fun but will put it off by saying “sorry I go hard” or something similar to that. There’s also a 75% chance she gets a tattoo that she regrets as soon as she leaves the Florida border.

Woo Girl Anthem.

2. The Wet Blanket

This person is a direct opposite of the Woo Girl and can be in male or female form. This person had no idea what Panama City was like before arriving and just came to get a tan and maybe get a little crazy on one or two nights. They had a whole agenda planned out: maybe rent a scooter and go mini-golfing, but mostly just lounge by the pool and just chill out. By day 3 they are miserable and want to go home because they are tired of taking care of their drunk friends and keeps insisting that they do “something else fun”. It’s okay, this person probably only came because they offered to pay more or their parents are allowing them to use their car. The wet blanket ends up getting home after the trip and finding new friends. 

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This is how Wet Blanket pictured Spring Break.

3. The Push the Limits Guy

This man is what young men often call a “hardo”. He follows the lyrics of Kendrick Lamar’s hit single, “Swimming Pools”. (“Pour up, Drank. Head shot, Drank. Sit down, Drank. Stand up, Drank. Pass out, Drank. Wake up, Drank. Faded, Drank. Faded, Drank”). He wants to drink as much as he can and then brag about it to everyone around him. He is most likely found holding a bacteria-filled beer funnel, a case of Natty Lite and a handle of liquor and is hitting both very hard at an ungodly early hour. However, unlike the woo girl, he is of large physical stature and will literally drink until his body completely rejects any alcoholic substance that tries to enter it. He will then proceed to force it down his throat until he is laying passed out in the sand with handle still in hand. 

4. The Meathead Douche

This man-child is similar to the Push the Limits Guy only he does not actually drink very much and devotes much more time to hitting on girls and showing off his top-heavy physique. He still could be wielding a funnel but uses it mostly to find woo girls and get them to drink out of them and talk to him. He also has an inspirational quote tattooed somewhere on his body and is wearing a jersey or shirt from his high school sports team. He also insists on yelling out his college team cheer/fight song such as “Boomer Sooner” or “Pig Sooie”. Seriously though, this guy is horrible and probably has no friends in real life. He may or may not have come down by himself.

5. The Wanderer

The Wanderer is a mysterious fellow/gal. One minute they are enjoying drinks at the bar or dancing the night away and the next minute they vanish for reasons unknown. Maybe they are following someone from the opposite sex, or saw someone with food and immediately sprinted toward the nearest restaurant. Or maybe they saw a seagull and chased after it. Who knows? The point is, this person has no regard for their friends or what they might think if they leave their immediate area. They also often employ one of my all-time favorite moves, “The Irish Goodbye”

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I know there are probably many more specific types but I think they all basically fit into one of these five categories. And everyone has been complaining about the length of my blogs. Plus I am still recovering from the past week so I don’t feel like writing anymore.  I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face: I’m the blogger of the people. 

 

 

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